Not Forever, Just For Now

I don't drink the coolaid

2007-08-21T21:23:00.000-05:00

So here I am, having avoided this place for way too long. Since the last post, it's pretty much been business as usual, with a few minor exceptions.

Kids came and went. It was another great visit, although predictable. Special thanks to 700 Ohio and Rosie, who made a lasting impression on them.

Friday night I drank way more than the law allows and pretty much paid for it all weekend. Not only are the hangovers becoming more difficult to shake, there's the perceived (or not!) embarrassing behavior. All in all I think I did pretty well. As a matter of fact it was an interesting but probably overly loud (on my part) conversation with Gypsy that got me to come back here. But still, I really need to just not open my mouth sometimes. Also...I...um...well...there was some smoking involved. My nine month streak comes to an end, time to start another. BUT I AM STILL A QUITTER!! YAY ME!!! Seriously though, I have no desire to smoke and haven't really even thought about it since Friday. Question is, can I keep my ticker going? I think I can. So I will.

As far as "deep" shit goes, a recent conversation with GGT finally drilled home to me how I will never "go native" in Lawrence. As much as I love living here, I just can't force myself to completely assimilate. I don't want to. I want to live here yet I don't want to be a Lawrencian. I think I have an odd, misguided view of myself as The Outsider, and to be honest that is probably a more interesting tangent to explore than me not going native. Another time perhaps. Anyway, the obvious question that comes to mind is Why? Well, that's a good question, but unfortunately the answer is fairly complex. For one, I have built in biases that are easy to explain and hard to ignore. Two, my perceptions about the town and its people in general would probably lose me what scant friends I have. I just don't think I'm that brave yet. I probably should have left this topic well enough alone, but...well...fuck it. :D Ugh! Passive writing!! Fuck that too.

Your Precious Moment

If interested, Google Ron Mueck.

I'm Baaaack!

2007-01-13T20:08:00.000-06:00

Errr...been a while.

Holidays.
Life.
Procrastination.
The usual excuses.

So Christmas night my 77 year old mother "brushes" up against a parked car - with her car - and doesn't stop and leave a note or anything. Mom knows she's "on notice" already, as this is her third incident in 4 months. Well, three hours after the fact Mom tells me about it, but asks that I don't tell my sibs right away. It's Christmas night, so I agree. But of course I have to go have a look at her car.

Fuck.

Right front quarter panel looks like crumpled up paper, passenger side-view mirror is gone and both right side doors are basically ruined. So 2 1/2 hours later, 10 phone calls, including the St. Louis County Police, and Christmas Day 2006 comes to a close. Final tally is

$3,000 body work
Dropped from insurance
Sibs take keys away from Mom

It was one of my more depressing days of the decade. Not because my mom fucked up, not because Christmas was somehow tainted (heh, Xmas 1994 when I told my mom that Cathy was pregnant - THAT was a fun Xmas!). It was depressing because this is killing my mom. Everybody has wonderful heartwarming stories about their mothers, and my mom is no different. She's one of those women from another era. She's the consummate caretaker, and she refuses to see that she's the one who needs taking care of now. Her mobility was her life. Despite the fact that she'll never want for a ride, that every possible need she has will be seen to, that everybody and their brother has pledged their support and offered to help - it's still sad.

On a lighter note, JT and I resumed, after a 3 year hiatus, our Christmas tradition of our Christmas Day "attitude adjustment" get together. We've been friends for 38 years. Crazy, huh?

Got ripped up one side and down the other by the ex, and I deserved it. I'll spare you the details, but goddamnit when a person, any person, goes into a tirade like that, and you know you have it coming, all you can do is keep your mouth shut and don't make it worse. What bothers me about this, is that the ONLY constructive purpose for this is to make the bitcher feel better. AND MAYBE I'M BEING SLIGHTLY SENSITIVE HERE, but it also seems that the point was to hurt me. I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, she knows I know I fucked up. But by golly, she's gonna cash in her free chit to rip me a new one. Whatever happened to taking the higher road? I am perfectly happy with her being dissapointed and hating me where I don't have to here it. Ah well.

I got tons more. But not now.

The Quit

W:DD:HH:MM:SS
===============
6:04:21:50:59

Life Saved

W:DD:HH:MM
===============
0:03:06:11

Money Saved: $187.65
Cigs not smoked: 938

Your Precious Moment

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Quit revisited

2006-12-23T12:26:00.000-06:00

As of 12:20 PM on December 23, 2006:

Quit Day: November 27, 2006 11:00:00 PM
Today: December 23, 2006 12:20:00 PM

Running Counter

Y:WW:DD:HH:MM:SS
==================
0:03:04:13:19:58

The Breakdown

YEARS: 0.07
WEEKS: 3.65
DAYS: 25.56
HOURS: 613.33
MINUTES: 36,799.98

MONEY SAVED: $102.22
CIGS NOT SMOKED: 511.11

Life Regained
(5 minutes per cig not smoked, or 1 min for every 14 minutes not smoking)

W:DD:HH:MM
============
0:01:18:35

Based on:

1 pack smoked per day
$4 / pack

So what does it all mean? It means I've eaten and drunk a lot of that $102. But that's okay because, all things considered, I was the last person on earth I would have EVER picked to quit cold turkey, so whatever side effects that manifest themselves are worth it.

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Interactions 101

2006-12-19T21:02:00.000-06:00

Interpersonal Relationships

I don't think they're natural. I don't think there's anything intuitive about them. Maybe I'm way off base. Maybe that's why I generally don't have them. Could be I'm lazy. Well, no denying that. Maybe that concussion I got when I was three really did short out some wiring (my sibs love this - I will forever be the one that fell on his head).

Anyway...whether I'm right, wrong, insightful or just plain whacked, you have to admit that people tend to invest enormous amounts of time, money and spiritual energy into relationships, so whether they're natural or not there's obviously a payoff. There's no denying humans are attracted to each other, and for good reason. It seems to me though, that that initial attraction, that unbidden feeling we get when we cross paths with someone who registers on our RADAR, is exactly what nature intended - no more, no less. Just enough to ensure the species survives. The rest of it? Gravy. I mean , if relationships are in fact unnatural, then whatever progress we make in those efforts towards relationships, is pure bonus. We should be thankful for it, for having the chance to grow as a person, or try something new, whether it works out or not. So why is it so often treated as a commodity? It's as if it's more important to merely "have" a relationship rather than truly experience the journey it is, no matter where it goes. Some people can't stand not being "in a relationship". I just don't get that.

Your Precious Moment

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Things That Piss Me Off: Vol. 2

2006-12-15T09:11:00.000-06:00

Blogger Beta

Call me unreasonable, but I prefer to not use my own name on the Net. This doesn't mean I won't, or haven't, but it's a preference. Also, I'm rather partial to the name Sandusky. So why oh why is Blogger Beta being so difficult? Sure, I have Google/Gmail accounts coming out of my ass. However, changing my display name on one of those accounts to Sandusky would then confuse all the people who deal with me via that account.

I like my personas. All of them. They fit their niches nicely. Crossover is NOT acceptable!!

Arrgghh!!!!!

And what the fuck is up with logging out of Blogger? It logs me off of Google too? Slick interface, Google. Slick apps. CRAPPY DESIGN ! ! ! ! ! !

I hate the fuckers, and they should just die die die motherfuckers die dead dead.

No Precious Moment. Sorry.

_________________________________________________________________________

Things That Piss Me Off: Vol. 1

2006-12-14T00:22:00.000-06:00

First of all, I blog when I blog. My experience so far with blogging, despite some of the feedback I've received so far, has been very interesting and challenging, in ways that have nothing to do at all with requiring people to read it, and I figure I'll keep blogging whether anybody is reading it or not. So all you Goddesses, Queens, friends, board buddies, internet pals, maybe even *gasp* strangers, do with that nugget what you will.

2) The Quit

D:HH:MM:SS
16:23:47:08

DAYS: ... 16.99
HOURS: ... 407.79
MINUTES: ... 24,467.15
SECONDS: ... 1,468,029.00
MONEY SAVED: ... $67.96
CIGS NOT SMOKED: ... 339.82

C) IDIOTS

When I fly, especially on quickie overnight runs, I accept the fact that the general travel experience is going to suck. What kills me are the people who act like it's all about maximizing their "edge" in the big travel game. Give me a break. It's a 1hr 50 minute flight from KC to Albuquerque, yet some people still get there 2 hours early and form a line behind the holy grail of traveling with Southwest - the A Group. I suppose this is to presumably get the best seat selections. Maybe it's just to get any seat and not have to actually decide who you're going to inconvenience by actually asking somebody if you could sit in their row. Regardless, I can't help but laugh at these people as they sit or stand in line, a somewhat organized pile of personal belongings nearby, their eyes constantly on the lookout for anybody trying to infringe on their "spot". Slightly less annoying are those people who form "ambiguous" lines near trhe gate door, obviously trying to slip in nonchalantly. What on gods green earth would motivate ANYBODY to spend that much mental energy or put that much importance on boarding first? IT'S LESS THAN A 2HR FLIGHT!!!!! These are the same people who insist on trying to pass the all the cars in the fast lane who are waiting to pass the semi on the slow lane in front of them. These people need to be sterilized. Or lobotomized.

Then there's the people who can't seem to grasp the concept of carry-on restrictions. Perhaps it's the airline's fault for non-enforcement. If it were up to me I would do away with overhead storage completely. If it doesn't fit under your seat, check it or pitch it. Too. Fucking. Bad. Unfortunately, there always seems to be the person with the life size suitcase that is too large to be wheeled down the aisle, so suitcase and owner shuffle along sideways down the aisle, causing a bottleneck and making the tail end of the A Groupies back up into the front end of the B Groupies. And we haven't even gotten to getting the damn thing up and down from the overhead.

Okay, so as far as things go that piss me off, this topic is a soft ball in the wheel house. Probably is for a lot of people. I just think it deserved mention since it does actually bring out homicidal desires. Probably does for a lot of people. Also, I think it's funny how I don't really get stressed or pissed about it until afterwards, once I've had a chance to reflect on the trip as a whole - and realize that a lot of people are still pretty stupid. To me at least.

Bastards.

sigh

Your Precious Moment

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Smoking, Christmas and The Precious Moment (TPM)

2006-12-06T07:13:00.000-06:00

SMOKING
190 hours smoke free (7.9 days)
$31.61 saved
158 cigarettes not smoked (OMFG)

Personally, I relished the smell at FSB. Sick, I know. One of the things I think is funny, and Rosie seems to share this, is that I'm (we're) now experiencing a different culture almost. "So, this is what the non-smokers do." It's like a different club. You're actually expected to hold your glass. I mean...that's it. Just a pint glass. And then talk! Without patting your jacket down for a lighter. Without corralling your lighter from the guy next to you. I'm telling you, the energy it takes to be a non-smoker is almost enough to make you take up smoking! But I digress. Every night before my eyes fail me and my book invariably falls behind my headboard, I take a brief moment to smile and say "I can't believe how fucking cool this is!!"

CHRISTMAS
I'm sorry, but I absolutely despise the rampant consumerism that Christmas entails. It is a critique about this country in general, actually, but we'll save that for another day. Anyway, there are so many cool things about Christmas. I love that sense of a town rising out of a slumber as the lights and decorations start appearing here and there. A strand of garland here, a tacky blowup Santa figurine there (okay, if anybody reading this has tacky blowup Santa figurines, please forgive me). All the red and green sweaters, coats, mittens and underwear. If you work in an office, the cookie parade is beginning about right now. If you're a nerd, maybe even your little cube is decorated with lights. (wha? what are you all looking at?) I can even tolerate the Christmas music, to an extent. It's watching the marathon showings of A Christmas Story and It's A Wonderful Life. I'm fairly certain that both movies can be turned into drinking games. You can also choose to do this with your Christmas, like I did last year:

Left to Right: Danny, Strider, Mara Jade, Jessica
Cocoa Beach, FL
Christmas Day, 2005

No presents, no cards, no parties, just 5 days on the beach.

Anyway...Christmas is one of the few times where town and people are visibly entwined, caught up in something greater than the sum of the parts. Well, I think so at least.

For those who didn't like the Precious Moment

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The Quit: Wrap on Day 3

2006-12-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

Quit date and time: November 27th, 2006, 11 PM-ish
Hours quit: ~75

Why risk jinxing it by making an issue of it only three days in? Because this one feels different, and there's a heavy dose of karma involved with this one, at least for me there is. All I know is that Rosie and myself - without the benefit of any direct communication, foreknowledge or premeditation - on the morning of November 28th 2006, independently decided to quit smoking. In the grand scheme of things it's probably not the greatest coincidence, but consider that neither of us were planning on quitting, at last not in the preceding eight hours prior to our decision to quit. As long as I've known Rosie (admittedly not long) I've never known her to make any boastful claims or otherwise of her desire or ability to quit smoking. I know that I sure as hell have made zero effort to quit smoking in the last, oh, ten years or so. So for whatever reasons we both decided enough was enough. Maybe it was one too many "could have shaved my tongue" mornings, maybe it was smoking the equivalent of two Monday night pints that got old, or maybe it was simply to boost the kissability factor. :D

Today has been the worst. I suppose it's withdrawal symptoms, maybe I crave a smoke and maybe I don't. What I know for sure is that my body has noticed that an integral part of its daily routines is missing. It remembers what it used to do. Muscle memory and all that. It wants to smoke. It thinks it needs to smoke. At work I find that I push myself away from my desk and stand up, only to realize that I don't need to do that anymore. I am constantly patting my pockets, and I still keep putting a lighter in my pocket. And right now I keep thinking it's time to step out the back. I've even pulled on my coat.

What a truly horrible habit.

Thank god there's still porn and mp3s.

Non sequitur

___________________________________________________________________________

There exists a limit to the force even the most powerful may apply without destroying themselves. Judging this limit is the true artistry of government. Misuse of power is the fatal sin. The law cannot be a tool of vengeance, never a hostage, nor a fortification against the martyrs it has created. You cannot threaten any individual and escape the consequences.

-Muad'dib on Law, The Stilgar Commentary
from Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert

Simple Question, Long Answer

2006-11-24T02:13:00.000-06:00

Simple questions. 99 percent of the time simple questions are exactly that. Simple. But then there's that one percent. The cool part of this is that sometimes, not very often but sometimes, the simple question you end up answering wasn't the original question at all.
The one percent seem to fall into this category.

A friend recently observed that I seem to like music that is "mournful and sad". Considering who the artist is that inspired this observation (jayfarrar.com), it's a simple question. Sites can be Googled, "teh Internets" consulted, music listened to, and one can say with a justifiable degree of accuracy that Jay Farrar's music is often mournful and sad. So...why do I like the music I do? The Simple Question. Most days I can say it's because I admire the depth of expression in the folk tradition despite the economic and social depressions from which it sprang. But there's more to it than that, isn't there? I mean, I can state my reasons just as easily as somebody can say they find the adrenelin rush and agression satiating powers of metal music to be cathartic. No, there's more to it than that. Those reasons alone aren't enough to explain why a particular, song, painting or book strikes a cord all up and down your spine, why some core part of yourself resonates, buzzes and throbs when they play "your song". It's like being witness to beauty incarnate. It's how you know you're alive, which was really the question in the first place.

_______________________________________________________________

"A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish."

Teh Internets

2006-11-06T00:15:00.000-06:00

The question arose today of "What was life like before the Internet?"

It's actually a very good question. On the one hand, having lived through the birth of the Internet, I can say we got along just fine without the Internet. You know, people worked, played, paid their bills, raised families, etc. But...did we actually get along fine? Do we actually get on with our lives any better since the Internet? Sure, it's easy to list the benefits of the Internet, but life has a way of evening things out, aka The Great Equalizer. One could say that the Internet just offered an even more convenient way to exploit people. To me the Internet was something destined to happen. Too much fiction (and other references I'm sure) always contained a theme of massive, cheap and fast information exchange. It was fate.

Ahh, I remember the first calculator I ever saw, back when they weighed 5lbs, and the first corded TV remote. The CD. It amazes that everyday at work I'm with people who don't remember a time without CDs. Back when cell phones were the province of SciFi and the military and the rich.

I guess the cynic in me is still waiting for the very worst dregs of human behavior to manifest itself over the 'Net. And the optimist in me can't wait for the first broad-band grade nueral implant. I want my smarthouse, damnit!!

Harder than I thought

2006-10-27T13:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I spend approximately 95% plus of my weekly waking hours in front of a computer, most of that with broadband a taskbar button away. How hard can it be to sling something together and post to one of these blog thingies? Right?

Hard I tell you!

Now, if this is indeed the case (1), then I have to ask myself - why don't I post? Is my life that boring that I have nothing of interest to post? Possibly. Are the meaty bits that ARE interesting too depressing to write about? Probably. I have no problem posting to message boards, with approx. 8,000 posts over the last two years spread out over three boards or so. And that doesn't even take into account Usenet. The real reason for blogging has thus become clear: I am only doing this because I find the womenz (2) of "the gang" (3) far more intersting than the men. I mean, why do you think I don't go into any of the football games?

*sigh*

I love you guys. Let's do yoga.

-Sandusky-
From: My work desk
Location: Lawrence, KS
Now Playing: Uncle Tupelo > No Depression (Reissue) > Blues Die Hard
YSI for Blues Die Hard

Notes:
(1) Well, there's the matter of effort. A lifelong challenge for me. Perhaps the subject of a future post.

(2) Ironic, really. I love women, love to be around them, love talking to them, yet I'm probably the worst practioner of said affection. Well, second worst. (say it Rosie ;) ) But there's a whole heapin' pile of steaming baggage to cover on THAT subject. And I don't think I want this blog to be about that. I'll save that for EOF's.

(3) Henceforth to be referred to as TG.

Just what I need...

2006-10-24T20:44:00.000-05:00

another Internet activity.

I have no idea what way, shape or form this little corner of the "Interweb" will take, but isn't that half the fun of open ended endeavors? So here I am, casting these first words out to the mercy of the masses, hoping it's a good ride. Forever would be okay, but I'll settle for Now.

-Sandusky-
from: home
where: Lawrence, KS
now playing: Whiskeytown > Faithless Street > Empty Baseball Park